Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i black out too much to be "responsible"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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