In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
