rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
