Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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