He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
