dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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