Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
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