I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
