Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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