after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
