I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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