You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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