I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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