I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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