An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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