hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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