good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
