He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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