Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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