You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
