I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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