my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
