She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We are two peas in an std pod
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
