Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
