I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
