Can i not drive my cunt home
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
