mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
