Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
