Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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