My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
