OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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