kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
