Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
