Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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