I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
