my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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