Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
its liver damage thursday
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
