So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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