I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
