Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need water and some morals
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
