Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
