call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
