just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
