Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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