I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
