Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
