you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
