oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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