I wish my penis had an off switch
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
