I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
love makes seman taste better
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
FUCK WHALES
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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