seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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