a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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