he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
