something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize