EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
