I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
