she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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