i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Dick very happy bro
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
