The maid of honor just puked.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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