she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
