the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
