i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
