Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
